Valentine day is coming and I have an ‘amoureux’. There is not an exact translation for that French word which means someone who’s in love with you. But it was not always my situation.
I remember a certain Valentine evening while I was single against my will. A girlfriend had invited me to a Valentine dinner and dance telling me there was a seat with my name on it at the single’s table. I went, thinking I might find love. Well, love found me but not that night! I sat with 7 other young ladies past their sixties, who were all single and very happy to be. Most were widows and when I asked if they wanted to get married again, a big NO WAY JOSE came forth. Been there, done that, not happening again. I promised myself not to end up alone and getting old disliking the idea of ever having a man in my life again. Not I, I remember thinking. It all ended well but let me tell you why…
Before I met him, I met myself. I became the love of my life. In French we say l’amour avec un grand A. Amour with a capital A. So Love with a capital L. I created this ideal companion that I dreamt about within myself. After all, I had created so much for myself from the inside out, why not applying my winning recipe to relationship I told myself?
I started a dialogue with an ideal husband. Where would this ideal man take me on a holiday? I took myself there. We would travel together here, and there, go eat in that restaurant, dance in that bal. I took myself to all those places. He would surely build a nice fence around the yard. I had one built for me. Surely he’d love dogs so I got one. And since he would train it much better than I, I made him come alive through me and took some dog training courses.
To resume all this, I started to treat me like the ideal man, the one on the white horse from the storybook would treat me. I bought myself flowers, a whole garden in fact. I wrote me love letters telling me how I was the most beautiful, the best. I asked myself how it would be to be adored and adored myself to find out.
I was dreaming of a man who would support my career. So I supported it myself. I hired coaches, surrounded myself with a team. This companion would help my dreams to come true. So I helped myself to make them come true. I talked to him constantly. He lived within me.
I forgave myself for my mistakes, we laughed about me, me myself and I. I explored all these not so nice parts of myself, the pretty ones, the horrible ones, the boring parts too. We fought, we took each other hostages me and my parts, taking turn not wanting to give in, obstinate and some of us balked at new ideas. We were wrong so many times and we made up, again and again. My parts and I learned to live with one another and love each other always more deeply and it’s an ongoing affair. Even my not so firm tummy with the baby scars, the aging lines around my eyes and my smile, we thank them for their testimonials, proof that I have lived, loved, cried and laughed out loud enough times to create those lines.
I fell in love with myself. How? By marrying myself first and promising never to leave me. For better and for worse. By making a vow to never ever letting me down, to always have my own back like the ideal husband would . I will love me first, before loving anyone else. Nothing will be more important than to taking good care of myself and loving myself no matter what.
Then one day I got myself on dating sites. After a few encounters I realized I was not ready yet. Those I met weren’t either. So I went back to the drawing board. My ideal companion was not ready within myself. I continued to create him better and better. After writing a book, launching a new show, recording a live album and making more dreams come true for myself, I found myself back on a dating site. Better equipped as before. And he found me. Not my type I thought, but I gave him a chance intuitively and good for me.
It has not been a long time, we are learning to know each other but so far so good as he strangely look like the companion I created inside of me, who had been guiding me all this time, in between those relationships that did not last.
So, if you find yourself single right now, enjoy it. If you enjoy it as much as I did, it won’t matter if you are single or not. Being alone will be a choice or not and why? Because when we fall in love with ourselves enough, deeply, and we put ourselves first, we end-up happy alone or are happy with somebody.
So happy Valentine day to you!